Dear Chaps and Chapesses,

how lovely to write to you again. It's been so long since I was able to, I fear you might have forgotten me completely. Not that that's easy to do, mind you. As of late, more dogs have invaded my home, although, luckily, they decided not to stay. I would have driven them hence like a bad pestilence. Which is what they are. All those fleas, ugh. Anyway, now that we are safe from invasion, I decided to go and celebrate with a feast. But, due to a lack of common sense from a certain owner, there was no feast. I had to try to climb up her leg for almost five minutes before she spread the feast. Five minutes, I tell you! It's a disgrace, that's what my old aunty would say. She always told me, "Orion, if you don't take charge then you'll never get fed!" It's proved quite true. I must depart now, breakfast awaits.
Ta-ta for now!

Orion Wittifrid